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 My Official Public Apology to the RLSH Community

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PostSubject: My Official Public Apology to the RLSH Community    Mon Dec 19, 2016 4:43 am

To All Whom it May Concern,


I'm the one to blame for the distrust towards new members of the community. I have been so blinded by my own anger and hatred for so many years, that I continuously failed to acknowledge it's effect on other people, and not just on the internet. I've caused my own family MOUNTAINS of stress...and I could never see it because I was too focused on vengeance against the WASPS. ...I've realized too late that my hatred and anger was spreading like a contagious disease; corrupting others like a cancer and destroying everything in it's path. ....I failed to see that for those three years I was away from home, I was NOT the only one in my family who was suffering. ....It disgusts me that I was too stupid to realize this before digging myself a deeper and deeper hole.

To my family and friends whom I've pushed away, and for Savage, for Paladin, for all other newcomers who were targeted because of me; for the veterans who have shown profound wisdom, leadership, and patience...for the moderators, and the admins; for Superman, Omen, Gauge, Urban Avenger, and all the others who tried to talk some sense into me when I was about to jump into the abyss of no return: I sincerely, thoroughly, wholeheartedly and deeply apologize for my inappropriate, idiotic, immature, irrational and impulsive behavior. 

Your efforts to help me during my darkest moments were NOT in vain....I just figured out the true significance of the message far too late. I've been so far behind in life that I thought I was first, and looking back at who I was before Utah, I've realized that I'm a complete FAILURE in every sense of the word to the little boy that I used to be. 

I've told myself in the past that whoever I used to be died in that desert, but that's only true if I choose it to be true.....and for the first time in over a decade, I don't feel like I HAVE to choose hate. It may be easier to hate....but it's stronger to hope. 

I made the wrong promise to the wrong little boy all those years ago. I need to focus on making my old inner child proud; not the tortured little kid pounding his head against the cement floor in an obs chamber in some mad science dungeon. That little boy clearly wasn't thinking straight when he promised to kill everybody.

....I understand I can't just say "I'm sorry" and expect people to trust me overnight, but it's my sincere hope that, perhaps this time around, my return can actually be BENEFICIAL to the community in helping alleviate suspicions for those who doubt the legitimacy of our newest members, whom I can't apologize enough to from the bottom of my heart. 

I have no more than one account on here, nor have I for quite some time, and I haven't any reason, nor desire, to hide myself or deceive anyone in any manner whatsoever, in spite of what some rumors may suggest. 

....Kids deserve so much better than the monster I almost became, and I CAN be better.  

....We all have a dark side, and we've all said things we've later regretted.....but we can still choose the light. It's NEVER too late to choose to do GOOD instead of succumbing to EVIL. ....And it's not good to kill people, even if they did ruin my life; even if they DESERVE it, it's not my place to decide who lives, and who dies. My parents wanted me to be BETTER than that. ...I can't let them down, and I can't let those kids down. ...They need a hero that they can actually look up to....and they'll never look up to a heartless killer. 

...If anyone has any questions, comments or concerns, I'll do my best to answer as thoroughly as I possibly can, and clarify anything that may have been confused or misunderstood, and I accept full responsibility for my actions and words. If I could go back and do things differently, I would, but I can't. I was young, stupid, stubborn, and angry and I screwed myself over VERY early on, and as the pressure grew and grew, I blew up like a hand grenade.

Special thanks to my father for putting things into perspective in a way that nobody else was able to do for me. It's largely because of him that I began seeing the severe errors of my ways in the first place. We had a pretty heartfelt discussion I may go into at a later time.  

My mother, for having the courage to show me how she really felt about my former ambitions, and for being living proof that people can indeed overcome their inner darkness. 

My nieces and my nephew especially, for bringing out my paternal instincts and reminding me what the world looks like through the eyes of a child, and being the ULTIMATE reason why I'm adopting a strict no-killing rule.

Kids need me to be a ROLEMODEL. Not a heartless soldier like the WASPS tried to turn me into. Kids need warmth, and light, and hope, and FAITH....all things which I once had as a little kid, but somewhere along the line it got lost... 

...Only after having to take care of little kids did it occur to me that who I was turning into was in NO position to be saving kids in any functional capacity WHATSOEVER.....I am so, so sorry and I feel greatly ashamed that I didn't see this sooner. I can't apologize enough. 
 

Sincerely,

204
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The Paladin

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PostSubject: Re: My Official Public Apology to the RLSH Community    Mon Dec 19, 2016 10:01 am

Well let be the first to say apology(hope that's the correct spelling) accepted. I can't and won't hold a grudge. Life's to short. Welcome back and God Bless.
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PostSubject: Re: My Official Public Apology to the RLSH Community    Mon Dec 19, 2016 10:12 am

Thank you, and yes; you spelled it correctly. Indeed; holding a grudge can get very exhausting. I think I might be finally coming to a point where I might actually be able to forgive the mad scientists that kidnapped me. ....Today's the anniversary. December 19th, 2007. It's the day to really reflect on who I have been, who I am and who I want to be.
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PostSubject: Re: My Official Public Apology to the RLSH Community    Mon Dec 19, 2016 12:17 pm

I don't know much about you 204 but it takes a lot to admit your mistakes and seek the road to redemption everyone deserves a 2nd chance so we come back it's nice to meet you
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PostSubject: Re: My Official Public Apology to the RLSH Community    Mon Dec 19, 2016 12:23 pm

Thanks. ...I've had lots of chances though, and I blew them all up. I don't think I've actually felt genuinely sick with what I was turning into before though. Anger and fear have always been my worst enemies.
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Equal

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PostSubject: Re: My Official Public Apology to the RLSH Community    Tue Dec 20, 2016 11:35 am

I'm a bit concerned about you being back here. This forum have never been a healthy environment for you, and you have never been a healthy contributor to this forum.

And about being back asking for forgiveness... I don't belive it. And I dubt anybody else who's been witnessing your repeating rebirths will (Urban might, but he got some kind of superpower when it comes to beliving you can get better). It will be expeted that you'll go loco sooner or later, and those expectetions can unfortunantly make it even more likely for you to fall back in your old ways (humans are wierd that way). So if you are smart, you should keep yourself around people who belive in the new you.
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Gauge



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PostSubject: Re: My Official Public Apology to the RLSH Community    Tue Dec 20, 2016 2:06 pm

2 0 4, if you find yourself agreeing with Equal's assessment -- which is not unreasonable -- and you still want to be here, I will offer no objections. If you are concerned about reflexive reactions to perceived provocations (or actual ones) I suggest you step back and wait one full day from the time you read the post before you reply. 

I have confidence that you can make potentially valuable contributions to the forum. The mistakes we make are learning experiences if we take away productive lessons from the aftermath. You are still processing the trauma from your childhood. Think about what you have learned about surviving a brutal environment, about not giving up, about deciding how it shapes your life going forward. 

Think on your firefighting experience and the pride in service, doing hard work without recognition or public praise, and about responsibility for our actions.

Think about your political involvement and your part in bringing serious issues to light while still a teenager. 

You have a pool of experience that few in this forum can tap. No better or worse, but different. You can use that to overcome your history here and make real contributions. 

The choice is always yours. Good luck, man.
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PostSubject: Re: My Official Public Apology to the RLSH Community    Tue Dec 20, 2016 6:22 pm



Equal, you're absolutely right. My emotions have been all over the place and I've been on again/off again so many times that I completely understand your sentiment; I don't deserve your forgiveness in the slightest, and I won't ask for it. All I can try to do is the next best thing, and hope that the good in me is strong enough to overcome the bad. ....I'm so sorry I let you down; there's no excuse at all for the levels of disrespect I have shown in the past, and no amount of apologizing can ever fix that. 

Gauge, Thank you for your confidence and understanding; I can promise I'll do my best to be the hero that you know I can be. 


--204
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omen

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PostSubject: Re: My Official Public Apology to the RLSH Community    Tue Dec 20, 2016 10:46 pm

~~~~~~~~~~

There is this sad tale about an abused wife who forgave and forgave until death. Her husband loved her, ‘Yes’, he did, but it was only enough to continually ask for forgiveness after the torment he had created. This he did in cycles.

He thought the strike from his open hand made him less of an abuser, when compared to the punch from his fist. He thought the names he called her would be remembered less than the blame he spewed as he positioned her as the cause. He hoped both would be forgotten… just after each new time, he asked for forgiveness.

After each new start, he felt his acts of innocence should have been taken as gold – that they were supposed to be special. It angered him greater the day that she told him honestly, she merely saw that time as, ‘the calm before the storm’.

Upon the utterance of this statement, her husband brewed with frustration, anger, and finally rage.

He killed that woman, his wife; for he knew when she was weakest. He killed his wife, that woman, no matter how much she forgave and forgave.

When the judge asked him why, before sentencing him to Death, he said, “Your Honor, she would forgive, but she refused to forget… so, what happened to her was actually HER fault.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Diaper Man,

(for some of you newer members, this was 204’s ‘new’ name after the last major blowout on this board in which he was kicked off – he came back under this pseudonym, asked for forgiveness, presented himself as a pacifist, promised to close all of his secret backdoor accounts, and he promised he would not change his name again because he wanted to be straight with everyone)

While your apology, this time, was as moving as your apology last time, it is difficult for me to swallow. Why? Because many of us were the victims of your wrath, more than once. You have basically positioned yourself as the abusive husband in a marriage that has divorced you more than once.

You DO seem sincere, but let me explain ‘WHY’ I used the term ‘TAINTED’ when discussing your impact on the community.

YOU NEVER CARED ABOUT ANYONE OTHER THAN YOU!

After your last major apology, you played pacifist for a few weeks and went right back into Screw God, Screw Government, Screw Patrols, Screw your beliefs, Screw Police… except when they’re killing Blacks, Screw Democrats, Screw anything but Fox News, Screw visitors being underage, and F@ck the TRUTH… not to mention, you couldn’t stand logic and facts.

New members were left in an absolute daze and older members were speechless.

****

204… oops, I’m sorry, Diaper Man, this entire movement is simple… just strive to be ‘Good’.

****

I salute your guts each time you apologize, and I will tell you, I’m just as much of a fool as so many others that stood in line to constantly forgive you and take you back. But, I realized that this entire gambit wasn’t about forgiving YOU. Hell, to be honest it wasn’t about ME.

It was about those that are seeking to be inspired, which is why I mention HOPE so much.

In fact, I didn’t need your apology to respect you. What I needed was your fight with nicotine, alcohol, and laziness. Watching you post about your desire to fight those addictions, while daring yourself in joking manner to take a run down to the river in -10 degree weather, is something that others can relate to (not the weather part, though… I’m in the south).

We need stories about your honest battles to become a better man WITHOUT the bullcrap about knives, armor, and doom-prepping. We need your techniques for getting past the darkness in life so that you can live.

WHY?

Because, most of the people reading this board are caught up in paycheck-to-paycheck living, debt, poor health, a crappy past, loneliness, abandonment, and whatever non-macho real-world issues you can conceive.

Many THINK they want to be Heroes, while honestly, they are seeking to escape reality. The true heroes, believe in something greater than themselves and strive for concepts that become the tools in their toolbelt to get there.

Honor, vigilance, loyalty, persistence, and humbleness are just SOME of the tools that you may find in a heroes toolbelt. These are his weapons, not swords, guns, batons, and bravado.

Here’s a shocker, if you literally ask the ten random members on this board to define EACH of those terms, without looking them up… you will probably end up with ten different answers.

It is said, “One of the greatest test of humbleness, is to do something for another and never letting them know what you have done.”

Needless to say, this statement is precious in the military.

204, THIS Is where your journey begins.

-Omen, "Heroes aren't made during good times!" - The Elite Forces Division
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PostSubject: Re: My Official Public Apology to the RLSH Community    Wed Dec 21, 2016 3:29 am

omen wrote:
~~~~~~~~~~

There is this sad tale about an abused wife who forgave and forgave until death. Her husband loved her, ‘Yes’, he did, but it was only enough to continually ask for forgiveness after the torment he had created. This he did in cycles.

He thought the strike from his open hand made him less of an abuser, when compared to the punch from his fist. He thought the names he called her would be remembered less than the blame he spewed as he positioned her as the cause. He hoped both would be forgotten… just after each new time, he asked for forgiveness.

After each new start, he felt his acts of innocence should have been taken as gold – that they were supposed to be special. It angered him greater the day that she told him honestly, she merely saw that time as, ‘the calm before the storm’.

Upon the utterance of this statement, her husband brewed with frustration, anger, and finally rage.

He killed that woman, his wife; for he knew when she was weakest. He killed his wife, that woman, no matter how much she forgave and forgave.

When the judge asked him why, before sentencing him to Death, he said, “Your Honor, she would forgive, but she refused to forget… so, what happened to her was actually HER fault.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Diaper Man,

(for some of you newer members, this was 204’s ‘new’ name after the last major blowout on this board in which he was kicked off – he came back under this pseudonym, asked for forgiveness, presented himself as a pacifist, promised to close all of his secret backdoor accounts, and he promised he would not change his name again because he wanted to be straight with everyone)

While your apology, this time, was as moving as your apology last time, it is difficult for me to swallow. Why? Because many of us were the victims of your wrath, more than once. You have basically positioned yourself as the abusive husband in a marriage that has divorced you more than once.

You DO seem sincere, but let me explain ‘WHY’ I used the term ‘TAINTED’ when discussing your impact on the community.

YOU NEVER CARED ABOUT ANYONE OTHER THAN YOU!

After your last major apology, you played pacifist for a few weeks and went right back into Screw God, Screw Government, Screw Patrols, Screw your beliefs, Screw Police… except when they’re killing Blacks, Screw Democrats, Screw anything but Fox News, Screw visitors being underage, and F@ck the TRUTH… not to mention, you couldn’t stand logic and facts.

New members were left in an absolute daze and older members were speechless.


That man was just as blind as I was. Not all such marriages end badly though; my brother and law and my sister are living proof that a couple individuals can respectfully agree to disagree. Calling me a bigot for not condemning a police officer for doing their job is not respectfully agreeing to disagree. It's hurtful, and for some, infuriating. Claiming that I don't care about anyone but myself is another blatant sign of disrespect when obviously I do care about people. There is countless evidence to that fact. I've made A LOT of mistakes....but at least I try to make things better. You never apologized for your mistakes though, and even now you fail to recognize that it was a mistake. You attacking me over my political viewpoints in the past is no different than my disrespectful posts towards religious individuals. Not just Christians; all religion. I was wrong, and I acknowledge that. Some opinions are better kept to myself. We both need to work on that. 

I am not a bigot. I'm not a fascist. I care about people; sometimes to a fault. I care about the truth. You're exaggerations and misinformation and one-sided view have been hurtful, especially after once feeling like you and I were friends. I understand that a lot of it was my fault, and I deeply regret that I didn't have the fortitude to truly change. I didn't want to. What I was really addicted to was my anger. ....And maybe not too long ago I probably would have lost my temper with your flippant post which seemed deliberately crafted to push my buttons, but this time, I just feel sad and hurt and ashamed. I deserve every bit of it.

--204
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PostSubject: Re: My Official Public Apology to the RLSH Community    Wed Dec 21, 2016 11:32 am

I'm not sure anyone "deserves" to feel sad, hurt, or ashamed, but just as with joy, hope, and pride, we usually bring such feelings about by our own choices.

I see you trying something new, 204, and that is making a choice to own your past actions, while choosing to not respond with anger to posts from those who challenge your sincerity. And while you may not agree with Omen's assessment, I'm sure you understand the sincerity behind the words.
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PostSubject: Re: My Official Public Apology to the RLSH Community    Wed Dec 21, 2016 12:26 pm

Indeed.

I agree with parts of Omen's assessment, and I'd like to think he's sincere, but I honestly don't know what to think when sincerity is mixed in with what feels like attempts to humiliate me and spread false information about me while mixing it in with true information to help make it seem more like it might be true; like I might actually be a borderline sociopath, or like I might actually be a racist. When clearly, I'm neither of those things, and I fear others will believe his false assessments over me, and I can't blame them. I brought it on myself.
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PostSubject: Re: My Official Public Apology to the RLSH Community    Wed Dec 21, 2016 12:40 pm

There are a lot of hurt feelings to go around. You and Omen have a more contentious history than probably anyone else on this forum. Try to get beyond the surface of the words and understand that these are feelings. He has defended you in the past and felt betrayed when things went bad. Many have. 

I'm not trying to condemn you now, just saying that people don't forget as easily as they may forgive. You have an uphill struggle. 

Find the truth and deeper meaning that you CAN agree with. The opinions you don't believe are still valid feelings, just the same as your own.
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PostSubject: Re: My Official Public Apology to the RLSH Community    Wed Dec 21, 2016 12:46 pm

Indeed. I sincerely do hope to one day earn his trust back. Something I said made him feel things were true about me that aren't. The only right thing I can think of to do is to try to take a lesson away from it; words are powerful; I can't just let them fly out of my mouth without a second thought as to how it might sound to different individuals.
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Anyman

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PostSubject: Re: My Official Public Apology to the RLSH Community    Thu Dec 22, 2016 1:54 am

Call me a doormat, but I, for one, am willing to give him another chance. Of course, he hasn't really done anything against me personally, so that's not as hard for me to say as it is for others
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PostSubject: Re: My Official Public Apology to the RLSH Community    Thu Dec 22, 2016 4:41 am

Thanks Anyman; you've always been a good friend. I'm sorry though if my arrogance in the past ever came off as insulting your perfectly sound advice; I should have slowed down and listened more carefully.
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