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PostSubject: I Haven't Been Myself   Tue Nov 10, 2015 1:26 pm

I'm starting fresh today. I've been clean and sober for 24 hours, hoping I can go without longer and longer so that by the time December 19th rolls around I'll be able to stop everything for good....December 19th is 204's birthday, the day I was taken from my family eight years ago. This time though, I'm saying goodbye to him for good. And possibly leaving home, but not for a mission or anything. I've lost motivation to wreak havoc on the people who ruined my life. The world as we know it is probably gonna end any month now too; I can just take solace in the fact that when the proverbial Red Dawn hits, all those facilities are going to explode into a riot and a lot of the kids are probably going to end up killing the guards themselves and running to freedom, banding together into giant groups and gangs of kids and teens. And the WWASPS will be.....ashes. 

I dunno....I just haven't been myself lately. It's strange; I don't care about much of anything either way now; I'm not sure what I want. Not sure who I am anymore, but I know I'm not the bad guy. I don't believe in good guys anymore though; never met one. I guess it's kinda cute when someone thinks they're the good guy. The world just isn't that simple. You'll always be the bad guy in someone's eyes, and you'll always be a hero in the eyes of another, but looking at the galaxy/universe, who's to say who's really right and that any of it matters at all? 

I'm not really depressed....its weird; I really don't know what I'm feeling. Kinda like a little minor sociopathic episode (sociopaths feel emotions like everyone else, we just have trouble identifying and expressing it in ways that some might label as "normal". )

But yeah....inspired maybe. That feels pretty close. Like I'm trying to see a light at the end of the tunnel/future's looking a little brighter/at least less violent and dark. (for me anyway; rest of the world's probably gonna go to hell, but I'm just sick of being angry, sick of thinking about what I'd do to those people if I ever got my hands on them, tired of trying to find a way to stop them that doesn't make me a criminal. There isn't one, but I don't want to be a criminal.....so I guess all those kids are just screwed...like I was. No one can save them.....that makes me really sad; at least that's not too hard or confusing for me. It's really clear; it's just sad. 

On the one hand...they're doomed. On the other, I have to sacrifice myself for strangers and give up any chance of a normal life. 

Which would you do? 

I know what I'm going to do now though....I'm just going to live my own life. I don't care if they succeed in taking over the world...but they'll never have me. All I know is that I need to get out of my city. Just walk somewhere new; somewhere no one knows me. A vision quest of sorts, like that movie Wild or Into the Wild. Don't want to fight anyone; I'm sick of fighting and sick of anger. Just.....be. 

Wanted to say that I'm sorry for my past behavior on here....but I won't, because I'm not; I'd be lying and contrary to your popular belief, I'm not a liar. I won't apologize because all of you do the same thing: You make mistakes. No one wants you to be sorry; we understand that people make mistakes. 

But I will thank you; whenever I'm in a funk or facing dark times, even though you never tried to, being around more positive people with some hope left in humanity helped me out. Which I guess is why I'm visiting now, even though I know I'm not welcome; it's as close as I can get to getting an inkling of inspiration/an image however much deluded that almost looks righteous and hopeful. Superheroes make me happy; make me less angry, less scared, and...well, hopeful. 


--Myself?
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Tue Nov 10, 2015 2:19 pm

If you do want to give me another chance, that'd be great; but I'd understand if you just get rid of me again. I know that I can be better, and that I have the potential needed for this. I guess I just need to feel welcomed to heroism to be a hero; I know, it doesn't make sense. But has the human condition ever really made any sense? We all feel the ways we feel for a wide variety of reasons; we're biological clockwork and we all have good days, and bad days, and we all make choices which turn out great and choices which don't don't out so great. You can't tell me that you didn't have some serious learning curves left when you were twenty; I'd like to learn from people who are actively trying to be hero's; surround myself with good people instead of my druggie friends or former cell-mates in lock up. I'm tired of feeling exiled from society. We all need heroes in our lives. Something brighter to look to, even when it just starts out as a small fantasy.
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Mon Nov 16, 2015 11:38 am

204, has your 'return' been cleared by Urban Avenger or are you returning on your own?

This is a serious inquiry in respect to the community, its members, and the Moderator.

-Omen
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Mon Nov 16, 2015 11:50 am

Yes, it has been. I'm on a 30 day probationary status.
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Mon Nov 16, 2015 12:40 pm

John I am going to be blunt. I'm not buying in to you reforming or whatever else you call it as I ran out of patience and extra chances when it comes to you some time back. I always used to believe that everyone could be redeemed. But you and a few others have shown me that  isn't always true. I expect you to be up to the same kind of crap you have been up to previously. A shame really as you have a fair amount of intelligence and I hate to see it wasted on bullshit. Now for a surprise for you. Nothing would make me happier than to be wrong on this and find you have reformed and cleaned up your act. If and when that happy day arrives. I will be happy to come in here and say so.

Superman
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Mon Nov 16, 2015 1:04 pm

I'll be blunt too. I'm a twenty year old kid; to think someone with the amount of years I still have left in front of me can't change or be redeemed is a peak of arrogance. I'd be pleasantly surprised to see you admit you were wrong, but I'm not going to be waiting for that day or going out of my way to prove anything to you because I don't think you have the ability to look at people objectively for who they are. You glance at one or two pieces and then sum them up and get stuck in your ways, and, frankly, I'm exhausted trying to wait for to not be such a jerk to people. Not just me; quite a few others have expressed the exact same problems with you. Putting it bluntly.
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Mon Nov 16, 2015 4:46 pm

I wondered where you got that French phrase from before; now, I can see it peaking out from the sides of the crest on your image
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Mon Nov 16, 2015 5:26 pm

Yep; Honi Soit Qui Mal Y Pense; it means something along the lines of "Shame upon he who thinks ill of it." It's a saying from an old society called the Noble Order of the Garter or something. Some Scottish clan families have that garter symbol; some don't I'm not sure of the full history but it all started when some chick was dancing with a guy and her garter came undone and so to spare her the embarrassment the gentlemen she was dancing with slipped the garter on himself and told the other dancers in the ballroom or whatever "Shame upon he who thinks ill of it." Fun little story. Apparently there's a connection to Freemasonry; with the Noble Order of the Garter as well as the House of Hamilton. Supposedly that was one of the two only reasons I was approached at the Capital and subtly "encouraged" to join the Fraternity; guess it's against their rules to outright invite someone, so when they want someone to join they have to do it in a certain way that the initiate comes of their own free will. I went to the Lodge and attended a meeting as they wanted to get to know me better, they gave me a petition to fill out, but I haven't sent it in yet. I've still been thinking about it; before I was leaning away from it because I was planning on becoming a vigilante and they don't allow criminals, agnostics, or atheists. The meeting wasn't too bad; didn't get any overly weird vibes. Lots of square and compasses though; saw a few belt buckles too that had the Scottish Clan Garter Symbols too. Think it could be a good opportunity to start my life in a brighter direction; Masons are all about making good men better after all. Smile
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Mon Nov 16, 2015 5:32 pm

That'd be cool if I could get my petition sent in and signed off on before January 19th. 

George Washington became a Freemason at the age of 20 as well.
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Mon Nov 16, 2015 6:49 pm

I was unaware you rejoined under the sanction of Urban Avenger, J. Thanks to omen for fielding the question, although I would like to see confirmation by Urban Avenger of this.
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Mon Nov 16, 2015 7:37 pm

You can ask him if he doesn't make a post somewhere about it.
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Mon Nov 16, 2015 8:25 pm

Masons are on my list John, just don't let them pull you Underground. Better yet, I suggest to stay away from them.
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Mon Nov 16, 2015 9:59 pm

What?! Why are Freemasons on your list? They're the good guys. And I want to embrace my heritage; according to legend my family helped found the fraternity hundreds of years ago in Scotland before "Freemason" was even coined as a term years later in England. We were just a bunch of stonemasons meeting up at the pub after work to speculate the secrets of the universe, hence we became known as "The Speculative Masons". (Google that and learn the real history).

There's a lot of ignorant conspiracy theorists out there who have no idea what Freemasonry is all about and have never been to the meetings. It's hardly a "secret" society; just about anyone can join. It's basically just a fun, social boys club for adults; complete with secret handshakes and no girls allowed lol.

Be careful of the conspiracy nutcases out there bro; don't buy into their bull. The Masons are all about Faith, Hope and Charity; you'd fit right in. The slogan is "Making Good Men Better". 

It's nothing to do with the Illuminati; they might be bad guys but I've never met them and have never been to their meetings and so I am not going to say whether they are good or bad lest I make the same mistake as the conspiracy theorists who think we're up to no good because we have "secrets". The so-called secrets though are completely irrelevant to the uninitiated; they're nothing bad or evil or sinister. The only reason we can't talk about it is strictly one thing: Honor. 

The secrets aren't what's important in the slightest; they're just old stories and pieces of history. What's IMPORTANT, is Brotherhood; keeping your promises. Upon initiation the candidate has to swear on their life that they will never reveal the secrets of the Fraternity. The whole ordeal of the initiation process can be kinda scary for some, but it is all COMPLETELY symbolic; it's supposed to be a very moving, allegorical experience. Keeping the secrets is just a matter of personal honor; it's something that's important to you and for you as a person; a promise that you are making most largely to yourself. That's all that matters. 

Honor.
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Mon Nov 16, 2015 10:58 pm

Knights Templars, New Age Movement, End of the World and the New World Order? Nah, maybe if God would tell me.

But after all God does not hold my free will, maybe for you, I'll leave them alone.

Master Legend and I had some beef with those guys. Since you're one of them, I am not going to share the link that will lead you to those things we've done against them. Well maybe soon but not now. Unless you guys proved that you ain't gonna kill me or something.
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Mon Nov 16, 2015 11:52 pm

....That's kind of impossible; to prove that someone's not going to do something? I guess I can direct you to our website and you can read our mission statement and other info. 

I don't believe in free will. I believe in chaos theory. Things just happen and one thing leads to the next/cause and effect. 

...Careful of "doing" anything to hurt Freemasons. If you, then you are probably breaking the law and could end up getting yourself arrested for going after good, innocent people who are trying to make the world a better place.

If there is corruption in the Fraternity then I'll handle it myself. It would be my responsibility as a member of the House of Hamilton. 

I have a lot of respect for Master Legend, but he is a conspiracy theorist; possibly a delusional conspiracy theorist. Take everything anybody tells you with a grain of salt; just because someone says something about a group of people doesn't mean it's true. Especially when they have never interacted within those groups themselves. You should have demanded proof that Freemasons are actually "evil" before joining someone's misguided crusade. Be careful bro. (of nut jobs online; not Freemasons. Freemasons are some of the nicest people I know; right up there with superheroes). 

http://www.grandlodgeofalaska.org/
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Mon Nov 16, 2015 11:56 pm

And the Knight Templars and New Age Movement definitely aren't "bad guys" either; they're some of the most noble, wise, spiritual and kindest individuals on the planet. Someone is filling your head full of nonsense; you should do your homework on these groups and find out what their philosophies are truly all about. :/
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Wed Nov 18, 2015 12:47 am

On my mother's side, our family motto translates into, "I Confide"

On my father's side, the motto translates into, "The Best Things Await Us in Heaven"
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Wed Nov 18, 2015 12:51 am

Coolness; you Scottish too?
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Wed Nov 18, 2015 12:54 am

Scottish, Irish, British, German, Polish, Czechoslovakian, Russian, Romanian, Ukrainian, Hungarian, and just a little native American
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Wed Nov 18, 2015 1:04 am

Coolness; I'm Scottish, Irish, and Native American (Choctaw Tribe). Not sure how much, but I'm Native American enough that I qualify for Indian Health Benefits; haven't had to pay for anything medical; probably why Utah was able to hold onto me for years when they found out they didn't neeed medicaid or a court order for me because my family wasn't able to pay their Ivy League University level "tuition" fees. I guess running a mad-science lab can get kinda costly over the years.

Our Family Motto is just one word; "Through". Legend says that one Gilbert de Hamilton was in office at the court of Edward the II of England. In 1325, he spoke in public, praising Robert the Bruce, and was assaulted by John de Spencer who felt that the speech was treacherous. Gilbert de Hamilton challenged his assailant, but de Spencer refused to fight, so Gilbert de Hamilton killed him. He then fled with his servant towards Scotland, hotly pursued by members of the enraged de Spencer family. Shortly after entering Scotland, Gilbert reached a forest and, realizing that he was close to being captured, he and his attendant changed clothes with two woodcutters. They took a frame-saw and began felling an oak tree. As his enemies drew closes, Gilbert de Hamilton noticed that his servant was looking decidedly nervous, and afraid that he might give them away with his frightened stares, he diverted his attention by shouting "Through", the traditional woodcutters exclamation. (In North America, Timber" is the commonly used exclamation.)
In celebration of his successful escape from sure death, the family took 'Through" as their motto, and incorporated an oak tree and a frame saw into their coat of arms. The ducal cornet was probably incorporated into the Hamilton crest after the birth of James in 1475, second Lord Hamilton, who was the son of James, first Lord Hamilton and his wife the Princess Mary. This second Lord Hamilton was created Earl of Arran in 1503, and as the son of Princess Mary, was in line for the throne of Scotland.
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Wed Nov 18, 2015 5:36 am

Interesting theory on why the school was able to keep you. You might want to research that. If you are truly Choctaw tribe, and enough so that you qualify for medical benefits, then you may also qualify for tribe membership, which should have barred your removal under the Indian Child Welfare Act. Was there a trial before you were removed from your home? Was the tribe involved with the process?
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Wed Nov 18, 2015 7:35 am

I'd like to research it, but I'm not sure where to start; my folks would probably know....Kinda scared to look too deep though; not sure if I want to. It seems whenever I start researching..."that stuff", I get obsessive; it becomes the only thing I can think about and then as I bury myself deeper I just get more and more angry and then I end up feeling homicidal; and then I actually seriously consider acting out on those urges and start feeling more and more like 204, and then something usually inspires me to reconsider "not going crazy", and I end up in the position I am right now; trying to put it all aside or at least not fixate on it/start researching it and end up triggering the cycle all over again. 

When I get the urge to do more digging these days I find myself successfully diverting what I know is coming by researching my ancestry instead...haha, but I guess what I find there is no stranger than the goings on behind locked blast doors...sometimes just makes me ask more questions/reconsider possible theories why life took the turn that it did. Maybe no matter how much you try to distract and distance yourself from your demons, there's always some...link. 


There wasn't a trial; at least I don't think there was. At least not specifically about sending me anywhere; there was a trial about my guilt or innocence in an assault charge combined with "criminal mischief". (I always thought that term was pretty funny; lol, I'd hardly say what I did after the assault was "mischief", lmao; almost sounds playful haha). I was just a little kid though so I didn't have much of a choice in anything anyway; my lawyer told me that we were going to run with a plea of "Not Guilty" and I told him, "But I am guilty; I don't wanna lie." And he said something along the lines of I wouldn't stand a chance if I plead guilty because then that would be the end of it. I didn't see that as a bad thing at the time; I wanted it to be over. But surprisingly, the judge found me "innocent". The facility didn't want me back though, probably because their insurance companies couldn't handle another one of my temper tantrums. I used to have a copy of the police report around here somewhere; thinking my parents must have gotten rid of it though; or it least it's not in the filing cabinet drawer where they usually keep their files on me. 

Not sure if you have the resources to find that kind of stuff; and you might not be able to anymore anyway because supposedly my last Judge (not the judge from when I was a little kid), had my criminal record wiped clean as part of some kind of deal made with the "Therapeutic Court System"; it was a new thing they were trying that they may or may not do in the lower 48; I might just be really lucky. They figured a Clean Slate would be a strong incentive for me to keep my nose clean for the remainder of my probation when I got out of jail for good behavior. I didn't really need any incentive though; at the time all I was pretty much doing was isolating myself in my room and doing research; didn't have the time to get myself in too much trouble/didn't socialize enough to get into any disputes with people. At least not in person where I could punch them in the face, lol. XD Everything else I was never caught for though so I officially have no criminal record.....lmao; and that story right there should tell ya just about everything one needs to know about the legal system. XD

But I dunno....I kinda doubt that the papers from the Fahrenkamp incident in 2008 just "disappeared". If anyone has them, it's either the Alaska State Troopers or Fairbanks Police Department; possibly both. And hopefully buried somewhere deep in a basement gathering dust, left to be forgotten, and ideally fall victim to moisture damage from a leaky pipe or something lol. 

Thinking more recently that I should just leave the past in the past and try to be somebody else......heh, story of my life. XD

Glad I'm laughing again; there was a long period there where I was just a total downer all the time. Feeling more optimistic lately.
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Thu Nov 19, 2015 12:10 am

A new lease on life is always a gift. Going back to the way things were would be throwing that gift away
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Thu Nov 19, 2015 2:08 am

Indeed. 

I have an old..."acquaintance" I guess  in LA who's expressed interest in letting me stay with her for a while. The biggest reason I want to get out of here is because I'm never going to be able to get completely clean and sober when everyone in my family (aside from my two baby nieces of course), is into drugs and/or alcohol. Dysfunction/stress and chaos are routine occurrences here. Talked to my folks about moving out; they hate to see me go but they understand that I'm not happy here and have come around to accepting that this just doesn't feel like my home for me anymore. I don't feel like Utah is home either though. Wasn't sure what to do or where to go so I just picked LA kinda at random; but not too randomly; I definitely know the perks that I would like; warm weather year round (coldest recorded temperature was only 28 degrees. Above zero, lmao. That's like....a cool summer day here, with a breeze. In 1932 Los Angeles received it's heaviest recorded snowfall: 2 inches, lmao. That's....lmao, that's pretty much summer around here. We get like three maybe four months out of the year where our grass is actually green lol. So yeah....warm weather sounds nice haha. And I like the idea of a big city; easier to blend in/go un-noticed. Lots of people means more diversity which means lots of people who are even more damaged than I am and makes me feel more normal/fortunate. Plenty of opportunities for a wide range of people of skills. And it's California; a major firefighter capital of the world; FFT2's probably get to work year round there; here it's strictly seasonal of course; can't make a living off it. But I have to imagine that there's probably always some piece of the Californian landscape that's on fire lol; maybe only in southern California but still; they'll always need guys on standby. Plus I here we Alaskan firefighters are a bit of a legend in California for some reason; honestly have no clue why but we've had a lot of them come up here before to help us out and they seemed to think we were some kind of big deal lol....kinda makes me wonder about the organizational structure down there; we might do things differently. I know we have to fight fires differently up here because of environmental factors; the big ones being peat moss and lack of roads which means little to no water from pumper engines which means we usually just use the earth itself to fight fires.Using natural barriers and doing lots and lots and lots and lots of digging. Flinging lots and lots of dirt. Cutting down lots of trees to make the fire suffocate itself. Starting our own fires to burn up all the fuels in an area before the really big fire catches up to us. Not sure if they do all that stuff down there, or if there's just really no need for that stuff in California.
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PostSubject: Re: I Haven't Been Myself   Thu Nov 19, 2015 2:22 am

"We don't use water here." might just sound scary to firefighters who don't have to dig down four to six feet to make sure all the peat moss is destroyed; you can't just spray water on it and call it good even if you do happen to have the luxury of water because the fire has probably already started burning downwards deep underground and can pop up miles and miles away if the connecting fuels haven't been destroyed or cut off; ie, all the surrounding peat moss underground. Only real efficient way to fight it is to dig; deep and miles long. Usually just with pulaskis; easier too. Some have thought using a shovel would be easier but the axe part of the pulaski is a real energy saver when it comes to getting through tough tree root systems that would probably be impossible to take care of quickly with a shovel. Only thing I use a shovel for out there is digging the strike camp fire pits and "outhouses" (a hole in the ground with some logs for you to hang over haha). XD (I admit, digging the shit holes isn't my best talent; but there's some firefighters here who can dig some truly luxurious crappers). XD
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